Last week I began to have an overwhelmingly anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I haven't been able to shake it. It feels sort of like a combination of too much sugar, caffeine, and adrenaline all rolled into one, except I haven’t gone overboard on any of those lately. It has kept me awake into the wee hours of the last four nights.
Amazingly, our bodies have the ability to be aware of and process life before our minds even recognize what's going on. So, what has been causing my whole body to feel restless, unsettled, and ill at ease for the last several days?
It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning! Yesterday was the first teacher day and today is the first day of school for students here in my community. For those of you who may not know, my husband, Randy, was a high school math teacher in our local high school. My life has revolved around the school calendar for almost 30 years. It still does somewhat, because I have one child still in high school. But it's different now that Randy is no longer here with us.
Apparently, my body hasn't let go of the 30-year routine yet. It seems my body was aware of the emotions buried deep inside of my heart that are being stirred up with the start of a new school year. It was giving me clues that there are still many things I haven’t allowed myself to grieve. In my mind, I didn't realize how much emotion was tied to the start of a new school year. It makes sense now that I think about it because school was such a big part of who Randy was. In all honesty, I don’t know if I didn’t realize it or if I was just pushing those strong emotions into the deep recesses of my mind. Either way, my body isn’t going to let me ignore those emotions without dealing with them in one way or another.
The grieving journey is difficult, unpredictable, and downright wearisome. In the last fifteen months, (It punched me right in the gut after I typed that because it still feels like yesterday) I have worked hard to grieve in a healthy way and face the pain head-on. I am proud of myself for that because it has taken some serious effort to grow through my grief and change behavior patterns that have been ingrained in me since I was a child. But it seems that as soon as I pat myself on the back for progress, something new rears its ugly head and reminds me that I still have a lot to process.
In our society, we are very good at keeping our minds separate from our bodies. Although it is slowly beginning to change, our medical system has perpetuated that philosophy by treating physical health and mental health as two entirely separate entities.
Recently, I was personally challenged to recognize the fact that my body has a voice that speaks just as loudly as my mind, if I will listen to it. I have been working hard at developing those listening skills ever since. It was not easy at first, but I believe it is an important skill for healing and wholeness.
My friend, if you are searching for healing caused by grief, trauma, abuse, or any other painful experiences that have left deep wounds behind, listen carefully to what your body is trying to tell you. It just might be the key that unlocks the door to healing, peace, and freedom.
Blessings!
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
https://my.bible.com/bible/111/PSA.147.3.NIV
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